If You Love Each Other Enough ... Marriage Is Still Not Easy!

By S. Courtney Nathan


This article is reprinted with permission of JTA and may not be reproduced without its permission. For more information about JTA, the Global News Service of the Jewish People, visit www.jta.org.

Anyone who has been married knows the real truth that marriage is hard work and, while it might get easier over time, marriage always takes effort. This is the number one thing I tell newly engaged couples in the marriage preparation class sponsored by Jewish Family Service, "I Do!"

Sure, engagement is exciting and happy and planning a wedding can be fun, even thrilling at times. But the real nitty-gritty that happens once you've said your "I do's" is what people rarely talk or think about beforehand.

The word "newlywed" conjures up images of smiling, happy couples in love, holding hands, dancing and kissing. But a couple that is newly wed is not very different from anything else that's new. A new car, for example, may look shiny on the outside and smell clean and fresh. Yet, the seat isn't quite comfortable until you've sat in it for awhile, and all of those fancy gadgets can be confusing until you learn exactly what every one does and how to use it. Same thing with a new pair of shoes. They look perfect and they go with everything in your closet, but for the first few weeks, they hurt your feet. It isn't until you wear them and they stretch a little, mold to the shape of your foot and get broken in that you realize how much you adore them and can't believe you ever lived without them. Marriage isn't any different.

Rabbi Harold Schulweis has this to say about marriage in the book, Fighting for Your Jewish Marriage:
"Love in marriage is a gift, a potentiality to be cultivated. Marital love is a subtle art that calls for sustained and sensitive appreciation ...The art of loving relies on a conscious sensibility, an awareness of the other who is not a mere extension of the self. The other is not an ear into which the 'I' can shout its wants and angers."

Marriage is about two people actively working together. It is complicated and it doesn't always feel good.

There is a great deal of pressure on newly engaged and recently married couples to be happy, even blissful. Yet, planning a wedding can be extremely stressful. Strong emotions surface, and family dynamics play out in often ugly and complicated ways. Religious feelings often become more pronounced, potentially creating difficulty for both interfaith and endogamous couples.

And that's just the beginning. Everyday married life raises all kinds of challenges as well. Suddenly you are both truly accountable to another person and must share in decision making wholeheartedly. As Einhorn and Zimmerman write in their book, In the Beginning: How to Survive Your Engagement and Build a Great Marriage (2001), "The responsibilities of giving each other emotional support, spending time together, coordinating finances, and taking care of personal health all require each partner to curtail many of his or her formerly solitary activities."

What does this mean for newly engaged and recently married couples? It means you should be aware that this is a critical time that is full of promise but also emotionally loaded. Tread carefully through this time. Talk with your partner about your feelings, fears, expectations and needs. And don't feel crazy or bad if you're not always feeling happy. Nobody feels happy all the time, and pretending like you do or pressuring yourself to feel that way only compounds normal problems and tension.

In their provocative book, Einhorn and Zimmerman suggest that at some point during engagement or early marriage every person asks him- or herself, "What did I get myself into?" The authors assure the reader that this is a normal example of marital anxiety that should be explored to determine its true source. They offer couples several questions to help evaluate the strength and health of their marriage. *Do we have similar values? *Do we respect each other? * Does each of us admire qualities in our partner? * Are we attracted to each other? * Do we feel affection for each other? * Do my trusted friends and relatives like the person I've chosen?

These are good questions to ask yourself and your partner to help identify the strengths and potential pitfalls in your relationship. But remember, feelings change regularly and a marital foundation is built over time and maintained through diligent effort.

Reknowned psychologist Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D., studied divorce for twenty-five years before she decided to focus on what factors helped happy marriages stay happy. Her research resulted in the book The Good Marriage (with Sandra Blakeslee, 1995), where she profiles four types of happy marriages: Romantic, Rescue, Companionate and Traditional. She says, "Of all human relationships, marriage is the most complex, the one you can tell the least about from the outside. In The Good Marriage, Wallerstein suggests nine tasks that form the basis of a good, lasting relationship:
*Separate emotionally from their childhood family and redefine that relationship.
*Create intimacy while each person also retains autonomy.
*Take on the role of parents while still protecting the marriage's intimacy.
*Confront the crises of life and stay close no matter how difficult.
*Feel safe expressing anger, conflict and differences of opinion.
*Create a rich sexual relationship and maintain it despite hectic lifestyles.
*Use humor to keep things in perspective and have fun.
*Comfort, support and encourage each other.
*Sustain early romantic images of falling in love with the other.

With all the media mythology about romance, soul mates, wedded bliss and the many other fallacies of marriage, how could we not get caught up in search for marital perfection? But just as the frightening movie Fatal Attraction isn't the norm, neither is soap opera passion (at least in the long term). Marriage is about finding someone you like, trust, respect and value enough to want to spend the rest of your life with, create a home and a family with and sacrifice for. That's a lot to ask for and should not be taken lightly. And despite all the work and the stress and the pressure, the payoff is tremendous. Knowing that you have found someone to love and trust and that you have made a commitment to stay together through thick and thin, to share life's challenges and triumphs together and that you are both willing to work to maintain a relationship for the rest of your lives ... that's pretty special.

That's what dreams are made of.

Books Mentioned in Article

Fighting for Your Jewish Marriage: Preserving a Lasting Promise, by Joel Crohn, Howard J. Markman, Susan L. Blumberg and Janice R. Levine; Jossey-Bass Inc., 2000.

In the Beginning: How to Survive Your Engagement and Build a Great Marriage, by Rosie Einhorn and Sherry S. Zimmerman Targum Press, Inc., 2001.

The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, Warner Books, 1995.

When Love Doesn't Turn Into Marriage

It only makes sense that I follow up the engagement ring entry with one about marriage.

In particular, I'd like to address an issue raised by these two comments that popped up on the last post:

Summer #61
"Well my Mum told me yesterday that she thinks that although my long term bf loves me, he will never propose. Apparently, he's 'just not that guy'. Lovely. So I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up. Problem is, I really believe in the concept of marriage. Rats"

Never a bride #69
"@ Summer #61 can totally relate... me and my man are very much in love and have talked about kids, although they are still a couple of years away yet. I want to be married before we have kids... he is adamant he is never getting married. Dilemma much? Every time another one of my friends get engaged I get jealous (as well as happy of course!) Lol, I think not knowing if it was going to happen is better than knowing it never will. And I don't want to force him to do it, I want him to want to do it. Any couples out there where one wanted to get married and the other didn't?"

This exchange between Summer and Never a Bride made me sad. With Summer, I can't help but feel perhaps she should talk to her boyfriend about this rather than assume her Mum has called it correctly. Then again, perhaps Summer knows her partner well enough to realise that her Mum is probably right?

With Never a bride, things sound decidedly grim. It's true that many women these days don't have any desire or see the point in marriage, and that's fine - but there are still many who do, and there's nothing wrong with that either. Along with Summer and Never a bride, I've always thought I'd like to get married one day and I can't pretend I wouldn't be disappointed if my boyfriend was completely against the idea.

So tell me, what happens when you fall in love with someone who doesn't share the same views on marriage?

It's a tricky one, there's no doubt about it. Marriage is obviously not something you should attempt to force someone into, and as Never a bride pointed out, if you do get hitched you want it to be because you are both really excited by the idea - not because one party was pressured into it.

That said, it seems stink to have to give up on the dream of getting married if it's something you truly want for your life.

If you really want to get married but your other half doesn't then you're in a tough position. The unfulfilled dream of being someone's wife (or husband) is the kind of thing that could hang heavily over your relationship for many years to come and you may well end up living a very disappointed life as a result. That doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

I don't have any answers today - I'm not even sure there are any answers to a dilemma like this. I don't envy anyone in this position and I'm keen to hear what you all think about this in the hope that Summer and Never a bride might find something useful in the discussion.

Source : http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/blogs/the-girls-guide/3956092/When-love-doesn-t-turn-into-marriage

REASON NOT TO GET MARRIED

Most of us either knows someone who is planning on getting married or maybe you’re planning that special event yourself in the future. If that’s true, then you’ll want to pay attention to what Dr Randy Carlson has to say in this Marriage Message. In it, he gives various reasons you shouldn’t get married, or you shouldn’t marry the person you are planning on marrying, or it’s good information to give to someone else who is planning a wedding, to prayerfully consider.

It comes from a magazine called “Insights and Inspiration” that the the ministry of Family Life Radio used to send out to their subscribers. This article was featured in their November 2006 issue and is titled, “Seven Reasons Not to Get Married.” Here is what Dr Carlson shares:

“Those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this” (1 Corinthians 7:28b).

Can you imagine this passage of Scripture quoted as part of a wedding ceremony? The Apostle Paul’s realistic take on marriage goes against the romantic ideal of “love at first sight” and, even more, the belief that wedlock will bring perpetual bliss. But Paul’s opinion on marriage (not surprisingly, Paul chose to remain single) does spotlight a truth that couples cannot afford to ignore — whether they’re contemplating getting married, are already engaged, or have been wed for years.

Being a husband or wife is not easy. More specific, marriage will, at times, bring great difficulty. Divorce remains prevalent because many couples do not realize this, so when trouble comes, they give up too soon, hurt and disillusioned as their definition of what a marriage should be becomes shattered.

I don’t want that to happen to you. Therefore, I put together this unusual list, and even did an entire radio program on this topic — the Seven Reasons Not to Get Married — to give you the reality check you need to go into marriage, or continue onward in your existing marriage, with your eyes wide open. Consider each one carefully and honestly.

You should probably not get married if…

1. You are unwilling to put the needs of another person above your own. Romans 12:10 says, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” In the Greek, “devoted” is defined in this verse as reciprocal tenderness, while “honor” is identified as showing deference to another person. How often are these characteristics apparent in how you behave toward your fiance or spouse?

2. You are easily offended, carry grudges and are unwilling to forgive.An overly sensitive, vengeful or calloused attitude has no place in any relationship, especially a marriage. The Bible gives you the challenging yet correct standard: “Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13b).

3. You are an abusive person (mentally, emotionally, physically). Author and domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft finds that abusers — who, by the way, are primarily men but also include women — abuse for a variety of reasons, including a need for power and control, finding someone to blame for their problems, and wanting to be the center of attention. Do you see yourself anywhere in these attributes?

4. You do not share the same beliefs, values, life priorities or vision.“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Oneness is essential in marriage, and its foundation is built on these characteristics.

5. You have an unresolved addiction problem. “Like a city whose walls are broken down,” Proverbs 25:28 says, “is a man who lacks self-control.” The Web site Addictions.org lists a variety of harmful addictions affecting millions of people, including addictions to sex, shopping, sleeping, people pleasing, perfectionism, pornography, and overworking. Each will undermine a marriage if ignored.

6. Your career is the most important thing in your life. Philippians 2:3says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” Selfish ambition is interpreted in the Greek as “a desire to put one’s self forward, a partisan and fractious spirit,” while vain conceit is identified as “groundless, empty pride.” Examine how your profession shapes who you are. Does it bring out these traits in you?

7. You are unwilling to be an active sexual partner with your spouse. As a couple, read 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. The Bible speaks directly to this vital issue; verse 3 is clear: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” There’s no room in a healthy marriage for sexual games, and an active sexual relationship works to ward off temptation to sin.

Don’t be discouraged if you struggle with any of the above reasons. A quality marriage is not defined as one that’s perfect. But do yourself, and your future or current spouse, a favor by committing to change or grow stronger individually in each area. You won’t regret it, and will be able to face and overcome the “troubles” of marriage with unity and in God’s power.

To read more marriage advice from Dr Carlson, you can visit his web site at:www.theintentionallife.com.